Bounty vs Plenty. Fight!

Dear SCA Bounty / Plenty Brand Manager:

I know I shouldn't care so much, but I don't like your paper towels anymore. Bounty made me feel rich. It made me feel like I was getting a reward from the government for capturing those evil little spills. And because I come from North America, I always felt like I had the Quicker-Picker-Upper that I could depend on.

So why? Sure, you're a Nordic paper conglomerate and you want to save on P&G's licensing fees. And you wanted a name with a similar semiotic structure to Bounty and that was available on the European trademark register. County. Mountie. Fountie of Spills. Twenty. Tenty.

"Hey I got it! Plenty! It means lots!" your naming agency probably thought excitedly... "let's get that plenty.co.uk address quick!"

Your site explains the change as "Same Great Towel, Brand New Name." Your press release reads:

"As well as retaining loyal Bounty consumers, we hope Plenty's strong product credentials coupled with major marketing support will drive significant new user trial".

Plenty has the same unique double quilted structure as Bounty so it is really strong and super absorbent when wet - it can even be rinsed and re-used, making it the perfect household towel for any cleaning occasion. The Household Towel category is worth over £300 million and Plenty is the number one brand with a 20% value share.

I know you're just doing your job, we all are, but it's going to take a lot for me to feel the same about the product. For Plenty to claim it's the number one brand is SERIOUSLY hanging onto Bounty's coattails. It will be interesting to see if the new name can sustain Bounty's numbers.

Just do me a big favour. Please don't rename Charmin something like Carmen, Varmints, or Wipey.

Sincerely,

Brand Brainiac

iPod Headphones = Scourge

Dear Sennheiser Marketing Managers

Do any of you take public transportation?  You don't.  You can't!  How do I know? Because you are doing nothing about the scourge of every crowded public transport carriage in every major urban centre around the world - crappy little white iPod headphones. 

Regular people will say "What's wrong with them, they're so cool and white and they're from Apple so they must be good, right?"  Sennheiser-man, you know they're wrong, but you're doing nothing about it!

Once you walk into your office after driving into your obviously suburban offices in Wennebostel (Germany), Albuquerque (New Mexico) or Tullamore (Ireland), you will open my letter and (a) shift delete or (b) save the world.  Please save my world; and get yourself a big bonus at the end of the year to get a better car.

How?

Here goes, using my own personal research and experience

Lots of people in American, European and now Asian urban centres own iPods. The best place to use an iPod (or iPhone) is on a crowded train, bus, subway, tram, etc.  About 20% of iPod owners have invested in decent portable headphones like the wonderful Sennheiser CX300, but most of them keep those tinny copper-wire-on-the-inside-apple-white-so-it-must-be-great-on-the-outside Apple headphones.

Trains and buses, etc. are loud.  So what do most people do? TURN IT UP SO I CAN HEAR MY MUSIC PROPERLY.  This means the 50% of us who thought we'd go without any iPod action on that particular morning get to hear someone else's Beyonce or Celine Dion or Genesis (Phil Collins Genesis) noise pollution through the fully exposed, non-isolated iPod tins.

It's your time Sennheiser-man to shine.  I need you to move most of your budget to one activity: 

Start a campaign called "Love thy neighbour and Save your ears"

1. Take regular ads in the Metro or whatever other free paper in every major town

2. Plaster the on-train/bus/subway/metro billboards

3. Sponsor the public transport system's system map

The fundamental premise of the campaign:

If you have turned up your music on your in-box Apple headphones, 

you are killing your ears and giving your neighbours much pain.  

We're sorry, but nobody wants to hear your music.  

With the Sennheiser CX300, the sound is fantastic even at low volumes, which means you will save your ears and people will stop hating you.

I would love it if you could also include multiple pull out cards for annoyed neighbours to hand out that say: 

You seem like a nice person

But your music is so loud I could start lip-synching for your pleasure

Here's a coupon for $10 off a pair of Sennheiser CX300 headphones

Your music will sound better, you can listen at lower volumes

And me and the rest of this train don't have to listen to it.

Please don't stab me.

In one fell swoop you have given your target customers the double benefit of better sound quality and creating a better world. 

If you don't do it soon, Apple probably will (and charge more for it).

Yours faithfully,

Brand Brainiac

Swimming Goggles

Open letter to all swimming pool managers.  Ever since I bought a decent pair of goggles, I've enjoyed swimming more.  MUCH more.

Who cares?  You should.  Before my goggles, I was going swimming once a week (whenever my son was having lessons - I couldn't handle parent-to-parent conversations about swimming progress and smugness about all the potential drowners out there).  The swimming was so painful, I was doubtful I could manage 10 swims before July.  My eyes would sting for 24 hours after each dip.  

After goggles, I've doubled my frequency, and some weeks I've felt like going three times in a week.  I've even listened in to people's lessons and finally learned how to breathe properly too.  I've become a better swimmer, all thanks to Speedo (goggles).

Like Gillette giving away razors so people will buy blades, and drug dealers giving away drugs (well you get the point), you need to either give away, discount, or lend goggles to everyone that isn't wearing them.  Give people the sense of sight under water (helps stay within the lines), reduce the pain, and you'll get bigger numbers very soon.

This is a brand truth - find a way to get people to realise that they've done something different, something that's changed their life for the better, and make sure they associate that new feeling with YOUR brand (in this case both the pool and Speedo get multiple brand credits from my brain).  

Goggle companies and swimming pools unite!  You have a symbiotic responsibility to make people use and abuse.

Coming soon: what I'd like to do to people listening to normal iPod headphones LOUD on public transport.  Sennheiser, I'm coming for you.

Shake'n'Bake

The first thing I'd like to teach my boys to cook is chicken. This is not an easy food to prepare.

Cook it too long and it's chewy and dry.

Cook not enough and you're surely to die.

I didn't even know it. Anyway, my first successful chicken was Shake'n'Bake. Why is this a great brand? Many reasons:

1. The name rhymes, it's very memorable, and kids like the sound. When kids like the sound then they pester parents to buy.

2. More importantly, the name is what you do - it covers the whole experience from preparation to the cooking. The actual shaking using the enclosed bag creates an experiential marker that makes people feel powerful. A magical power to make plain chicken delicious.

3. Even more important, the result is phenomenal.. for baked chicken pieces that is. My mouth waters just thinking of biting into a crunchy-on-the-outside-so-juicy-on-the-inside Shake'n'Bake chicken.

4. Finally, I haven't seen a Shake'n'Bake TV spot since the late 1970's, but I think they might have invented food porn. You know, the knife cutting into that crispy chicken shell, only for the sizzling juices to ooze onto the rice below. Like any kind of porn, it made a strong impression on a then-young mind.

I meant Yazz

So what's the difference between T'Pau and Yazz? I don't know. 4 letter names. Same era. Red hair. Women. 80's musicians. I got them confused in a post.

Maybe happy versus sad music (Only Way Is Up vs China In Your Hands... fight!) is the differentiator.

Of course all music sounded similar in the 80's, which created the actual musical "brand" of the time that everyone can reference and feel comfortable with. And that is... 80's Music. All the artists, all their songs, and all the orchestral hits and innovative samples are features of the bigger 80's Music story.

Intro post

I'm breaking my own rules. 

1. Don't write anything when you're tired

2. Think about your positioning

3. Have an objective

4. List your rules in the right order

So in the words of T'Pau, the only way is up.

This blog will heat up slowly over the next few months into a bouillabase of juicy brand thoughts.  Each tasty morsel will lead eventually to a very useful menu of brand frameworks for you and your lovely corporate families to enjoy and feel smart with.  

It's shake'n'bake time... (wasn't that the juiciest chicken you ever first made?)